1.Well, today we tried masturbating for money.
嗯,今天我們嘗試手淫是為了錢。
2.Yes, it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the sun?s apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality.
是的,它告訴我們,妳參與的群眾文化有個錯覺,以為太陽的視位置相對於任意星座的定義妳的出生，在某種程度上影響妳的人格。
3.You did not "break up" with Joyce Kim She defected to North Korea.
妳沒有與喬伊斯金?分手?。她叛逃到北韓。
4.Ah gravity, thou are a heartless bitch.
啊,地心引力,妳是壹個無情無義的婊子。
5.Explain to me an organizational system where a tray of flatware on a couch is valid I'm just inferring that this is a couch, because the evidence suggests the coffee table is having a tiny garage sale.
向我解釋壹個組織系統,在那裏壹盤扁平餐具在沙發上是有效的。我只是推測,這是壹個沙發,因為有證據表明咖啡桌上有壹個小車庫出售。
6.I am truly sorry for what happened last night I take full responsibility and I hope it won?t color your opinion of Leonard, who is not only a wonderful guy but also, I hear, a gentle and thorough lover
我真的對昨晚發生的事情感到抱歉。我承擔所有的責任,我希望它不會影響妳對倫納德的看法,他不僅是壹個好男人,而且我聽說,壹個溫柔而周密的愛人。
7.At least now you can retrieve the black box from the twisted smoldering wreckage that was once your fantasy of dating her and analyze the data so that you don't crash into geek mountain again.
只是妳現在還能從燃燒的廢墟裏找回裝滿對她美妙幻想的黑匣子，好好分析下數據妳就不會再墜入"呆子谷"。
8.I think that you have as much of a chance of having a sexual relationship with Penny as the Hubble Telescope does of discovering at the center of every black hole is little man with a flashlight searching for a circuit breaker.
聽著，我認為妳能跟Penny做愛的幾率跟哈勃太空望遠鏡發現在每個黑洞中央都有個小人在用閃光燈尋找斷路器的幾率壹樣大。
9.There's always the possibility that alcohol and poor judgment on her part might lead to a nice romantic evening.
酒精加上她壹時糊塗總有可能讓今晚成為浪漫之夜。
10.There wouldn't have been any ass kickings if that stupid death ray had worked.
如果那該死的死亡放射線能用我就不會挨打了。
11.Photographic is a misnomer I have an eidetic memory as I?ve told you many times, most recently last year at lunch on the afternoon of May th You had turkey and complained it was dry.
?圖像式?用詞不當。應該是高清圖像式記憶，我說過好幾遍了，最近壹次是去年月日中午午餐期間，妳吃了火雞還抱怨太幹了。
12.It might also interest you to know that Wil Wheaton currently ranks sixth on my All-Time Enemies list, between director Joel Schumacher, who nearly destroyed the Batman movie franchise, and Billy Sparks, who lived down the street from me and put dog poop on the handles of my bicycle.
也許妳們會想知道威爾惠頓在我的永遠的敵人名單裏暫排第六，排名就在差點毀掉蝙蝠俠系列電影的導演喬舒馬赫和比利斯派克之間，他住在我家後面壹條路上，曾經把狗屎放在我自行車的把手上。
13.In the words of Khan Noonien Singh in the immortal Wrath of Khan, "He tasks me, he tasks me and I shall have him From Hell's heart I stab at thee!"
引用不朽的《可汗的憤怒》中可汗努尼安辛格的壹句話?他讓我受難，他讓我受難，我要和他較量到底。我度盡劫波，刺出復仇之劍。?
14.Silence! How much longer must I wait for my revenge?
肅靜!還要等多久才能了卻我的復仇夙願。
15.So my path to satisfaction is blocked by Lonely Larry and Captain Sweatpants? Very well, they must be destroyed!
這麽說擋在我復仇之路上的只剩寂寞拉裏和休閑褲隊長嗎?好極了!非摧毀他們不可!
16.Wheaton! Wheaton! Wheattooonnnn!!!
惠頓!惠頓!惠頓!!!
17.Actually, the risk of throat cutting is very low On the other hand, severe string burn is a real and ever-present danger
其實，割到喉嚨的風險很低。另外嚴重被線擦傷才是真實且經常發生的危險。
18.If you?re interested, I also know all about frying meat that isn?t chicken as if it were chicken.
如果妳感興趣，我還知道所有似雞非雞的炸肉排的相關知識。
19.I grew up in Texas Football is ubiquitous in Texas There?s pro football, college football, high school football, pee wee football, in fact every form of football, except the original, European football Most believe it to be a commie plot.
我可是在德克薩斯長大的。橄欖球在德克薩斯無處不在。職業橄欖球，大學橄欖球，高中橄欖球，初中橄欖球，事實上，所有種類的橄欖球都有除了最原始的歐式橄欖球。而大部分德克薩斯人認為這是***產黨陰謀。
20.If you?d like, after the game I?ll take you outside and teach you how to shoot close enough to a raccoon that it craps itself.
如果妳想的話，比賽後我還可以帶妳出去，教妳射會自己便便的浣熊。
21.Maintaining five friendships promises to be a Herculean task, so I'm going to have to let one of you go.
維持五個朋友的友情太困難了，所以我要開除妳們其中壹個。
22.They have Twizzlers instead of Red Vines No amount of lumbar support can compensate for that.
他們的吸管糖是Twizzlers牌而不是Red Vines牌的。座椅再怎麽舒服也於事無補。
23.I see no large upcoming expenditures, unless they develop an affordable technology tofuse my skeleton with Adamantium like Wolverine.
我沒預見到近期會有大筆開支，除非他們發明了壹種我負擔得起的技術，把我的骨骼和亞德曼金屬熔合在壹起，就像金剛狼那樣。
24.I was wrong Minstrels will write songs about you There once was a brave lad named Leonard with a fie fie fiddle dee deeHe faced a fearsome giant while Raj just wanted topee.
我錯了。吟遊詩人會為妳寫歌的。有個勇敢小夥名叫Leonard，個子小小毫不起眼，他英勇地去找巨人要錢。Raj壹旁嚇破了膽。
25.Your mother is brilliant, analytical, insightful -- and I'm betting she never hit you with a Bible because you wouldn't eat your brussels sprouts.
妳媽媽頭腦敏銳，邏輯嚴謹又富有見解 -- 我肯定她不會因為妳不吃芽甘藍就用聖經痛打妳。
26.You were lucky When I was a kid, if I wanted an EEG, I had to attach my own electrodes.
妳太幸福了。我小時候要想做腦電圖，電極都得自己帶上。
27.In bladder voiding, as in real estate, it's location, location, location.
排尿同房地產界的金科玉律壹樣，位置決定壹切。
28.That is my spot In an ever-changing world it is a simple point of consistency If my life were expressed as a function in a four-dimensional Cartesian coordinate system, that spot, at the moment I first sat on it, would be....
那是我的專座。在這個不斷變化的世界裏，這是不變的壹點。假設我的生命用壹個建立在四維直角坐標系裏的方程來表示的話，這個座位從我坐上那壹刻開始就成為了(,,,)。
29.Excuse me, but the problem is not solved If your head had been accidentally amputatedand we transplanted a dog's head in its place, would that be 'problem solved'?
抱歉，但問題並沒解決。如果妳的腦袋不小心被截掉了，安個狗的腦袋在上面，這叫?問題解決?嗎?
30.Focus is important Was Michael DeBakey a wedding planner in between heart transplants? Did Alexander Fleming moonlight as a hairdresser? "Thanks for discovering penicillin -- now how about we try a bouffant?"
專註是很重要的。邁克爾德倍基(心臟手術創始人)做心臟移植手術之余做婚禮策劃嗎?亞歷山大弗萊明午夜會變身理發師嗎謝謝妳發明了青黴素 -- 來個蓬蓬頭吧?。
31.She's my guest. If anyone should offer her anything, it should be me. Elizabeth, can I get you something? Perhaps a feminine hygiene product, or a bowel regulating yogurt?
她是我的客人。要招待她的話也該由我來吧。伊麗莎白，我能為妳效勞嗎?妳想要女性衛生用品還是調節腸道的酸奶?
32.Oh, Penny. This is Dr. Plimpton, a leading expert on quantum cosmology. Dr. Plimpton, Penny is a waitress who doesn't understand the role gasoline plays in an internal combustion engine.
佩妮，這位是普林頓博士，量子宇宙論權威專家。普林頓博士，這是佩妮，壹名不理解內燃機需要汽油做燃料的服務生。
33.Roommates agree that Friday nights will be reserved for watching Joss Whedon's brilliant new series, Firefly.
室友同意在每周五晚上觀看喬斯.威登最新導演的驚世力作《螢火蟲》。
34.The apartment flag is gold lion rampant on a field of azure.
公寓旗幟是壹頭在天藍色背景下兩腿站立的獅子。
35.I'm here because you violated our roommate agreement, specifically Section Eight, 'Visitors', sub-section C, 'Females', Paragraph 4, 'Coitus'. Roommates shall give each other twelve hours' notice of impending coitus.
我來是因為妳違反了我們的室友協議，確切來說是第八部分?賓客?裏的c小部分?女性?裏的第四段?交媾?。在進行交媾之前，室友需要提前12小時通知對方。
36.I assure you, you'll be sorry you wasted your money on an iPod, when Microsoft comes out with theirs.
等到微軟出了自己的播放器，到時妳就等著後悔吧，把錢浪費在壹文不值的蘋果機上。
37.Yes, in 1917, when Albert Einstein established the theoretic foundation for the laser in his paper "Zur Quantentheorie der Strahlung," his fondest hope was that the resulting device be "bitchin'.
1917年，當愛因斯坦在他的文章《關於輻射的量子理論》中闡述了激光的理論基礎時，他最誠摯的希望就是最終的儀器和很他媽的帥。
38.When one gets beaten up every other day in school, one of necessity develops a keen sense of hearing. Incidentally, one can get beaten up in school simply by referring to oneself as "one."
隔天就在學校挨揍的某人必然會進化出更敏銳的聽覺。而且在學校挨揍的某人通常都把自己稱為?某人?。
39.It?s a time of day I invented. It better defines the ambiguous period between afternoon and evening: prevening. Fairly certain it will catch on, as it fills a desperate need.
是我發明的描述時間的方式，更好地定義了個模棱兩可的時段，下午和晚上之間，就是傍晚。我確信因為急需精確描述，這詞定會廣為流傳。
40.In a few minutes, when I gloat over the failure of this enterprise, how would you prefer I do it? The standard "I told you so" with a classic "neener-neener"? Or just my normal look of haughty derision?
在幾分鐘後，等我幸災樂禍地冷眼旁觀著本次相親的失敗，妳們更願意我怎麽做?是標準答案，?我早說過會這樣還是經典的?哦也哦也還是用我平常那副高傲嘲弄的表情?
41.Since I rarely hug, I?m relying on your expertise as to the duration.
我不怎麽抱人，要抱多久就聽妳的。
42.You know, the more I think about it, the Mobster Sauce couldn?t possibly contain chunks of mobster. It was listed under Seafood.
知道不，我越想越覺得強盜醬裏不可能包含豐富的強盜肉。它被歸在海鮮裏。
43.I?ve seen the [w]underbelly of Pasadena, this so-called City of Roses and it haunts me. Ah, the injustice. I lie here awake, tormented, while out there evil lurks. Probably playing Donkey Kong on my Classic Nintendo.[/w]
我目睹了帕薩迪納市的陰暗面，這座所謂的玫瑰之城，如今陰魂不散，罪惡橫行，毫無正義。我被痛苦折磨，輾轉反側，而邪惡四處潛伏在外，可能正霸占我的經典任天堂玩大金剛呢。
44.My new computer came with Windows 7. Windows 7 is much more user friendly than Windows Vista. I don?t like that.
我的新電腦裝了溫7系統。溫7比維斯塔更容易上手嘛。這我可不喜歡。
45.I don?t need sleep, I need answers. I need to determine where, in this swamp of unbalanced formulas, squatteth the toad of truth.
我不需要睡眠，我需要答案。我要找出在這個充滿不平衡方程的沼澤中是什麽阻礙了真理的蛤蟆。
46.Don?t be absurd, that?s in Washington. You know I can?t live in a city laid out in a hub and spoke pattern.
妳傻的啊，那可在華盛頓。滿大街車聲嘈雜的城市我可待不了，妳又不是不知道。
47.I asked myself, what is the most mind-numbing, pedestrian job conceivable and three answers came to mind: Toll booth attendant, Apple Store Genius and what Penny does. Now, since I don?t like touching other people?s coins, and I refuse to contribute to the devaluation of the word Genius ? here I am.
我問我自己，我能想到最討厭最沈悶的工作是什麽，有三個答案浮現在腦海中：收費站工作人員，在蘋果專賣店工作的天才還有佩妮的工作。現在，既然我不喜歡碰別人手裏的硬幣，也不想幫著?抹黑'天才這個詞，所以我來了。
48.There?s an economic concept known as a Positional Good in which an object is only valued by the possessor because its not possessed by others. The term was coined in 1976 by economist Fred Hirsch to replace the more colloquial but less precise ?neener-neener?.
在經濟學裏有種概念被稱為地位商品，他只有在持有人手中才能彰顯其價值因為其他人無法擁有。這個詞由經濟學弗烈德.赫希杜撰於1976年用來取代更口語化但並不準確的?哦耶~哦耶"。
49.Help me out. Which ski cap says apr?s-super-collider?
幫我參考壹下，哪頂滑雪帽比較像超級對撞機?
50.I?ve lived up to my commitments under the agreement. At least once a day I ask how you are, even though I simply don?t care. I no longer stage spontaneous biohazard drills after 10 pm, and I abandoned my goal to master Tuvan throat singing.
我壹直遵守著協議裏的所有義務。每天至少問候妳壹次，即使我壹點都不在意。我沒有在晚上十點後進行生物危害演習了，我也放棄學習圖瓦喉唱了。